Bitter Valentine - February 9, 2006

Another Valentines Day is approaching and here you are, minus one soul mate. Whether you just broke up, or are a career single, Valentines Day is no friend of yours. So forget all of those sappy couples, arrow-wielding cherubs and St. Valentine himself. There are better ways to spend the day.
Let’s bypass the bitter rant about how Valentines Day was concocted by Hallmark’s Marketing Department and deal with the reality of the day…because it’s not going anywhere. We’re destined to spend the rest of our lives facing down twinkly red heart antennas, singing roses and mortifying novelty boxer shorts that sneak their way onto the shelves right after Christmas. That does not, however, mean that you need to rejoice in the day, it simply wasn’t intended for the lovelorn.
The Anti-Valentine camp is growing a little every year, adding fresh, new ideas on ways to spend the day. From strip clubs, to pity parties, to Spell Casting seminars, Valentines Day is an opportunity to broaden your lonely horizons.
For the broken hearted and angry, let’s start with the basics; violence is never the answer. Even the best laid out plans can go horribly wrong and you don’t want to end up in jail…you wouldn’t like it there. Violence towards a hand crafted voodoo doll however, is perfectly acceptable. Even encouraged. Wishing ill-will on your ex is all well and good. The occasional gypsy curse is fine, but for hands-on payback; check out www.revengeunlimited.com for everything from dead roses to black mouth candy. Or you could just stick to the tried and true, and send them a subscription to "Living with Venereal Disease" monthly (make sure it goes to their work address).
For those of us who aren’t motivated by retribution, spending this romantic evening at a local dive is the perfect antidote to Valentines Day. The more ghetto the tavern, the better the night will be…trust me on this. By avoiding the nicer joints on V-Day, you can surely circumvent Mr. & Mrs. Kiss-Kiss fawning over cocktails, surprise wedding proposals and the elated giggles of enamored couples everywhere. Not to mention, the crappier the bar, the bigger the ego boost for you. So, gather up your likeminded friends, monopolize the jukebox at your favorite watering hole and hunker down for the night. Who knows, you might even meet your soul mate.